The Search For Strength
by IvyMaz
Summary: Sinon in SAO AU: He plunged his hand into my heart with a maniacal grin and suddenly I was withering and screaming in agony in my own mind. I could see everything. The car accident, all the years of pain after, the incident in the post office, my mothers hateful words, the years in the orphanage, moving away, the bullying. It replayed over and over in my mind. I couldn't breathe.
I walked down the street casually as I passed venders and players trying to haggle prices with the trade NPC's. I chuckled darkly to myself at their futile efforts. None of them had a Bargaining Skill that would even make a dent in the price range. Though, I thought to myself, neither did I. I was just smarter in who I bought things from. With that thought in mind I continued to walk briskly to Lisbeth's blacksmith shop.

Stepping into the shop I was pleased to see that I was the only customer at the moment. No having to wait in line today, I cheered to myself silently. While I was a patient person by nature I honestly just wasn't in the mood today. Seeing Lisbeth behind the counter I made my way over.

"Hi Sinon, feels like I haven't seen you in this shop in forever. You haven't started going to another blacksmith right?" Lisbeth leaned over the counter going nearly forehead to forehead with me, staring into the depths of my soul to make sure she hadn't lost a customer. I leaned back as far as I could, uncomfortable with the position I suddenly found myself.

"N-no no! You're the only blacksmith I trust to give me a fair price! Plus, we're friends. I would never do that to you." Lisbeth gave me one last look before nodding and going back behind the counter, all previous evidence of her death glare and interrogation gone. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"So, what can I get for ya!" Lisbeth exclaimed enthusiastically. I smiled lightly before opening my Menu and scrolling through my Items. I spoke distractedly as I searched.

"Well, my weapons are due for a major upgrade and I could use a few more..." I trailed off seeing Lisbeth almost vibrate in joy. It was unnerving to say the least. Clicking on the Items I had been searching for a large bow fell onto the counter between us, as well as a quiver arrows, almost empty, a gleaming dagger about the size of my forearm, and a lump of Material to use for the upgrade. Lisbeth grinned from ear to ear.

"Sinon, you know how much I love working on your weapons! They're so unique!" It was true. As fat as anyone knew none of the 8,000 other players used a bow other than me. Lisbeth hastily picked up her hammer and began the necessary preparations. She began with the arrows, swinging her hammer down on the material and breaking it in half. Taking one piece she started to work, swinging and sculpting and before I knew it there were about 30 arrows lying on the counter. I smiled, glad that the upgrade was successful.

Taking the arrows and putting them back in my Items bar I watched as my bow was upgraded to level 10 and my dagger to level 8. Amazed at my luck I grinned before taking them as well. Lisbeth wiped her forehead in exhausted victory. Giving me a knowing look I moved to my Items bar labeled Col and sent the appropriate amount of cash her way. Lisbeth grinned.

"Thanks Lisbeth, you're a life saver." Lisbeth waved off my thanks with a flick of the wrist.

"No thanks necessary, you know how much I love messing with your equipment. Tell you what, to thank me just come in again when you need another upgrade. Sound good?" I nodded.

"That sounds fair, I guess I'll see you tonight?" Lisbeth confirmed it with a solid thumbs up and a smirk painted across her lips. I thanked her once again and shouted a good bye as I walked out of the shop and made my way to the teleport gate that would take me up to the 22nd floor. The little log cabin by the lake had become almost like a home to their little crew of misfits. Making my way down the ramp I could see Kirito and Yui playing in the front yard. After first meeting Yui I was glad that Kirito had been fast enough to save her down in the labyrinth on the first level. She was to cute not to be in our lives.

Asuna was chatting with Silica on the porch eating some of her famous sandwiches. My stomach grumbled just at the thought of one. I hope there are extras I thought excitedly. It looked like Agil and Klein had come to visit as well because they were walking out of the house to join Kirito. Normally Lisbeth would be with them too but she had her blacksmith shop to run. Finally making my way to the house I waved at the boys before sitting down on the porch with the girls. I was thrilled to see that, yes there was an extra sandwich that Asuna offered to me. Digging in I listened to the conversation, chiming in every so often, as it ranged from favorite floor so far, another list of favorites, food, game, weapon, animal, and so forth, things they used to do in the real world, and finally, families.

I dreaded whenever the topic came up. The only time that I had ever said anything about them was during the first few days in the game. At the time I was traveling with just Kirito and Asuna. In the middle of us grinding to gain some EXP both Kirito and Asuna had fallen unconscious. I was able to drag them to a safe zone while fending off the monsters but I was still terrified that something had happened to them. I used a teleport crystal to get them to their room in the inn and made sure they were comfortable on the beds. They hadn't woken up for the rest of the day and well onto the night. I had watched over them the entire time and when they finally reconnected they had no idea what had happened. We chalked it up to bugs in the system and went on.

A few days later we were once again sitting in a room at the inn due to the fact that I wasn't strong enough to move. Even if I did, my muscles felt like they were on fire and it took everything I had not to burst into tears. I wasn't sure how I could feel any pain in the game but some how it was possible. I continued to get weaker until it got so bad that at one point Asuna said my heart stopped beating for a few moments. I had been so out of it by then that I don't remember much. They had said that I went unconscious and woke up about a day later saying I felt fine if not sore.

Kirito and Asuna had done some thinking and realized that they all must have been moved to hospitals. Their families would have called the ambulance to let them know they needed to be put on food and water drips. They had asked if I had any family and I hadn't known how to answer other than, "I grew up in an orphanage after I turned 11". It was the truth if only part of it. They had given me pitying looks before they explained that I must have been moved to a hospital late since no one had known about me. Hesitantly they had explained that I had probably almost died in the real world due to lack of nutrition before someone must have found me and called an ambulance. That was why I was in so much pain before, because I was dying in the real world. I had taken the news as well as I could and tried not to dwell on the fact that my mother, who knew that I was playing SAO, had left me for dead.

Since then, more than a year ago, the topic of family hadn't come up often and if it ever did I simply stayed silent until the subject was changed, much like now. I listened as Silica and Asuna described they're parents, how much they missed them, how they were similar and how they were different. Their flaws and gifts. It was refreshing to know that at least the others had a good childhood, that they had been happy. My thoughts were interrupted by Asuna.

"What about you Sinon? What were your parents like?" I blinked owlishly before I came back to my senses.

"Oh...well, I don't really remember my dad. We were in a car accident when I was two and he didn't make it. My mom..." I trailed off not sure what to say. My mom had never been the same after. What blurred memories I could remember from before the accident didn't match up with the woman that I had lived with until... I shook my head roughly as if to dislodge the memory. Looking up I could see Asuna and Silica giving me concerned looks. Before I could make an excuse the boys and Yui came up onto the porch asking about dinner. Looking into the distance I was shocked to see that the sun was setting. The time had flown by.

Asuna hurriedly ran into the house to begin dinner, a pork roast if I could interpret Asuna's stressed mumbling. Standing up and following the others into the house I helped to set the table before taking a seat and listening to the others. I wasn't in the mood to talk. Within minutes dinner was cooked and ready to be served right as Lisbeth stepped through the door. She sat down readily after seeing the spread on the table. With no time wasted everyone dug in. It was delicious as always and I cleared my plate within minutes, same as the rest. It truly was heavenly. Seeing as the sun had set everyone cleaned their plates off before cycling though the showers and such. Once everyone had changed into their pajamas we simply sat around the living room. I leaned tiredly against the couch, or more accurately Silica's legs, from my spot on the floor. There wasn't enough room for everyone anyway. The conversation slowly slid into the background as I felt my eyes grow heavy. Right before I could fall asleep however Silica nudged me awake with a giggle and pointed to Kirtito who had stood up. I gave my attention to him.

"Okay, so all of you remember that Heathcliff asked us to scout out the boss room tomorrow. We'll go in for a few minutes, get a read on the bosses weapons and abilities before making our way back out and reporting what we found in the next meeting." Klein groaned from across the room.

"Why us again, why not one of his fancy guilds or something? It's so unusual for him to ask us."

"They need time to gather all of those who will be fighting from the other levels and he trusts us to do it in such a small group and not loose anyone," Klein groaned again but didn't complain and Kirito continued, "We're going to do our basic attack pattern. Agil, Klein, And I will be in front looking for weak points. Silica, Lisbeth, and Asuna will be a bit behind ready to switch out and studying the bosses weapons and abilities. Yui, I want you behind with Sinon. Sinon, you'll be in back covering us and, since your eyes are better than ours I think it's better that you look for attack patterns. Yui as well. Sound good?" We all nodded affirmatively before we decided to call it a night and walked to our separate rooms.

The next morning we packed up their gear and a lunch since it was unlikely that we would be back before dinner, and started towards the labyrinth. It was shaped like a maze of caves, with water dripping down the sides and rivers of mud on the sides of the wall. The caves were 10 feet wide and about 12 feet tall at the highest point. There was little to no light unless you knew how to make the glow worms light up on the ceiling. I still wasn't sure who had found the trick but if you gently ran your hand along the wall at the start of the caves the paths all lit up.

It came in handy when trying to avoid the monsters that always came before the boss, shadowy cloaked figures that seemed to hiss like a snake while they attacked with dual knives. While we had been searching for the boss room they had pretty much memorized the attack patterns of the monsters. Because of this, the trip to the boss room seemed to take half as long as they thought. Plenty of time to have a conversation it seemed.

"Sinon." I stopped looking behind us a moment to see Asuna falling back to speak with me, sword drawn and pointed at the tunnels. I went back on the defensive pointing, my bow loaded with an arrow at the tunnels behind us as we steadily moved with our backs toward the group.

"What's up?"

"I wanted to apologize for yesterday. It wasn't my place to ask about your family like that. Especially since I know they aren't around anymore."

"No need to apologize. My dad's not around anymore, but I never said anything about my mom." I kept my eyes locked on the cave even as my thoughts ran rampant. I didn't want her thinking my mom was dead. It would have made things easier but that wasn't fair to her. Asuna turned to me in confusion.

"But didn't you say that you lived in an orphanage?"

"I did."

"Is your mother sick then?" I hesitated there. Was she? Maybe, but not in the way Asuna thought.

"No." Asuna stopped walking for a moment in utter bewilderment.

"Then why-" she was cut off by our sudden arrival to a cavern, larger than all the others we had walked through, facing Door 52. It was as wide as the others before it but none of us could tell how high it rose because the door seemed to dissolve into shadows halfway up the wall. Due to this the door seemed much shorter than the others. Glancing at one another we steeled our resolve before pushing the door open to find that it really was as short as they had originally thought. A little unnerved at its unique design they walked into the room cautiously.

They waited expectantly for a light of some kind to flare to life as they moved forward but after a few moments they realized that no such thing was going to happen. Slowly, I reached into my quiver and pulled out an arrow. Taking a potion for light out of my inventory I poured some onto the tip of the arrow and it began to glow softly. I placed the potion back in my Items bar. Pulling back the string I looked to the others and silently asked them if I should launch the arrow. They nodded before turning back to the room. I took a calming breath before letting the arrow fly. It arched through the air shining against the wet ceiling and began to fall down again before it was suddenly swallowed by the darkness. Before anyone had time to react the doors to the boss room slammed closed behind us and we were surrounded by shadows.

Activating our multiple sword skills or using a potion our small group was able to light up the area immediately surrounding us. We still couldn't see anything in the room. Cautiously we formed a circle with everyone back to back, Yui in the middle. This wasn't like any boss we had fought before.

"I've been searching for darkness," A voice echoed from the dark, "and now it seems to have found me instead." The voice surround them on all sides, almost seeming to come from the shadows themselves. The boss talked? There was something very wrong with all of this. Not sure how to proceed we waited for the boss to make the first move. I glanced around rapidly, making sure I didn't miss anything. Even in the dark my eyesight was still the best of the group. Standing still I waited for the boss to slip.

There. The shadows moved on the far side of the room. Not wasting anytime I launched an arrow at the only movement I had seen other than ours. The rest of the group tensed, not sure what was going on but hearing the snap of my bow. The arrow whistled through the air before becoming engulfed in thick shadows again. I couldn't see if it had hit or not. A condescending chuckle echoed over the room.

"An archer? In a game of swords?" He chuckled again. There was something very wrong with that sentence.

"It knows it's in a game." I mumbled to myself. The others looked towards the darkness, unnerved by the truth of my words.

I studied the shadows again looking for movement. The dark seemed to sway on the far side of the room once again and I launched three arrows at the same time, one headed straight towards the movement, the others on either side so that it couldn't avoid it. Before they could make their way further than halfway across the room three large pillars of red light exploded from the ground and surrounded the arrows that I had shot. Once the pillars touched them the arrows stopped in midair, not meeting their target. The red pillars continued all the way to the ceiling before stopping. Red symbols revolved around the light all the way up the pillar until the ceiling. They cast an ominous glow over the room and we were finally able to see a small amount of it.

The ceiling was still a cave, dripping water onto the floor. The room had a layered circular podium in the middle that reached halfway up to the ceiling. It looked like a wedding cake almost, only the layers were not nearly as tall and there were about 50 layers give or take. I made a point of memorizing were it was in the event that I needed a higher vantage point to fire arrows from. The walls were not made of rock but looked almost like a movie screen, a white canvas stretched taut. Before I could look any closer the pillars disappeared and I heard my arrows clatter to the ground before dissolving into pixels. The room was once again engulfed in shadows.

"I've been searching for darkness, and now it seems to have found me instead. In the form of a human." It repeated the phrase from before but it's voice became spiteful at the end. Hateful. Evil. "I can sense you here." Suddenly I was knocked off my feet by the force of the red light exploding around my feet. Before I could fall back to the ground however I was suspended above the ground by the light surrounding me. I couldn't move my limbs and was forced to float with my back straight and my arms down by my side. I was unable to reach behind me for an arrow.

The light surrounding me moved suddenly dragging me with it until I could see the others out of the corner of my eye. They were all in the same position as me, surrounded my light and unable to move. The pillars had maneuvered us into a line, with me being on the far right. I could see Klein next to me, Silica next, Kirito, Yui, Lisbeth, Asuna, and Agil on the far left before my vision became blurred from straining them. I looked back at the room and was surprised to see the darkness fade a little. It was still dark, but now like a heavy cloud hanging over, not all encompassing.

I could see the silhouette of the boss moving towards us. I wanted to shout a warning to my friends but it was useless. The boss came closer and I finally saw that it was a shadow. I literal shadow. It had nothing holding it down or connecting to it. There was nothing creating the shadow, it just existed. As it flowed over the stones it lifted off of the floor and formed a man, a three dimensional man entirely made out of shadow. How were we supposed to fight this? It took a few steps towards us, slow, hesitant, before becoming more confident in its new form. It grew larger until it towered over us. A swirl in the shadows on its face opened up to form a mouth.

"I can sense your darkness. Which of you is it?" He breathed in deeply before smirking dangerously. "You all hold some in you due to this game, but it wouldn't be fair to judge you on something that you all share. I need more than that. Something from before this." He leaned in towards Agil, reaching out and forcing his hand into Agil's chest, right where his heart would be. I heard a sharp gasp but that was it. The Shadow pulled it's hand away as quickly as it had forced it forwards and I could see Agil's face covered in sweat. He was breathing heavily. The Shadow moved down the line, Asuna, she gasped and tears spilled over onto her cheeks. Lisbeth, she gritted her teeth until I'm sure her jaw broke. He took one look at Yui before scoffing and moving on to Kirito, who squeezed his eyes shut. Silica, who yelped a bit before crying as well. Klein, who couldn't stop coughing and gasping for breath. And finally me.

He plunged his hand into my heart with a maniacal grin and suddenly I was withering and screaming in agony in my own mind. I could see everything. The car accident, all the years of pain after, the incident in the post office, my mothers hateful words, the years in the orphanage, moving away, the bullying, the feeling of being trapped. It replayed over and over in my mind. I couldn't breath. As quickly as it began it ended and I was staring into the face of shadows once again.

The light surrounding me suddenly dissipated and I dropped to the ground unceremoniously. I shivered and tried to get to my feet. I stood unsteadily before falling back to my knees gripping at my chest. I stared at the ground with wide eyes. What was this? I looked over at my friends to see them still caught in the pillars of light. Why was I the only one released? I looked at the shadows to see them shrinking to my height. Suddenly I wasn't looking at the silhouette of a man but of myself. I was looking at a shadow version of myself. The shadow looked at its own shape. "Sadness." The voice echoed everywhere in the room, now sounding eerily similar to my own.

"Loneliness." It's hand shot out and gripped me around the neck pulling me off my feet. It flung me across the room and I slammed into the ground at the base of the circular pillar. The shadow melted into the floor before reappearing in front of me. "Pain." It's fist slammed into my stomach and I tumbled to the ground. "Hate." It kicked me and my back mashed into the stones behind me. "Death." It picked me up by the collar of my shirt. "Your darkness is powerful. I can feel it flowing out of you in waves. It follows you everywhere you go." I looked into the shadows eyes.

"Let my friends go." It seemed shocked for a moment before looking behind itself. It turned back to me.

"Do you mean those people over there?" I glared at it. It chuckled but the pillars dropped from around them and formed again in front of them, creating a barrier between me and them. They landed on the ground before climbing back to their feet and rushing to the pillars. The words dancing around the light now flowed over all of them forming a wall and not just multiple pillars side by side. They looked at me in confusion and before I could put their minds at ease the shadow slammed me down on the ground once more. I could see my health bar deplete into the yellow. "Those people over there are not your friends. Have you told them what you've done?" It's hand formed to make a hand gun. My eyes widened. It smiled menacingly. It turned to the others, still in my form and suddenly it wasn't by me but standing in front of the barrier. I stumbled to my feet.

"What do you say? Are you her friend?" The shadow leaned forward.

"Of course we are! What's this all about? Why are you only picking on Sinon?" Klein shouted. The shadow turned to me.

"I'm impressed. They don't know. When were you going to tell them? Never? Were you just going to let them live a lie?" The others glanced at me and I looked away, unable to meet their eyes. The shadow chuckled. "Sinon, Sinon, Sinon. You troubled girl. How long did you think you could hide. You're a murderer. You can't hide the blood on your hands." It turned back to the others. "Don't worry, I'll tell you all about it," when it saw their shocked faces. I looked up hurriedly about to protest but suddenly the shadow was next to me and grabbing me and a swirl of darkness later I was at the top of the platform, the Shadow next to me. I coughed dizzily. The shadow looked down at me.

"You'll all be happy to know that after this you beat the boss. I'm not here to fight you, I'm only here to break moral. The master believed that passing level 50 might make the players over confident. He wanted to knock them down a peg or two but it doesn't hurt to fulfill my own interests as well," It looked down at its own hand in disgust, "I am darkness but I am weak. I've been searching for strength. Sinon, I believe you can relate. Can you tell me, how do I become stronger? I think I've found my answer." My eyes widened and I turned towards the Shadow just as it laughed and dived into the walls. Everything was quiet for a moment before the barrier around the others dropped. They immediately rushed to me climbing the steps. Before they could make it all the way to me the walls suddenly came alive.

On all sides I could see a car driving down the highway. It was late at night and the car unexpectedly hit a rough patch of ice while driving over a bridge. The car plowed into the railing and tumbled into the gorge below. The point of view was suddenly inside the car watching as the man in the front seat bled to death. Watching as the woman next to him cried and begged him to come back. Watching as the little girl in the back seat slowly fell unconscious due to a cut on her head. I began to shake uncontrollably when I felt arms around me. I glanced over to see Asuna hugging me tightly. I leaned into it crying softly.

"It was your fault. You were on the road because you had begged them to take you to your favorite restaurant. Always so needy." While the shadow wasn't in the room its voice carried throughout it. I tensed waiting for more but it didn't come in the form of words. Instead another clip flashed on the walls and I watched as my mother slowly shrank into herself. I saw my futile efforts at trying to make her smile. My futile efforts to make her happy again. It was never the same. She was never the same. Asuna held me tighter as she stroked my hair but I could still remember it. I watched as I was teased at school because my mother was a basket case. I watched myself defend her time and time again.

"She never cared. She never wanted to live after that. It was to much for her. But you made her work. You made her suffering worse." The voice came again. Asuna tried to hug me another time but I pushed her away. I knew what was coming next.

"D-don't let Yui watch this, Silica either." I sniffled. Kirito nodded before hugging her to his chest blocking the view of the screen. Silica stubbornly refused to turn away from the screen however and I wanted to sob and scream and beg but I knew it was no use.

I shuffled a bit apart from the others. Asuna looked surprised but didn't move to make me come back. The screens lit up again and I watched the man come into the post office. I heard an intake of breath from the others as he pushed my mother to the ground. I watched as he pulled out a gun and killed the man behind the counter. I watched as he turned the gun on my mother. I couldn't look anymore. I turned my head away and simply listened to the others reactions. Their gasps, their yelps, their sobs. I watched their faces to see the horror in them, the truly terrified looks on their faces. The last gun shot echoed around the room and I slammed my hands over my ears to drown out the sound. I looked back at the screen to see my mothers face, staring at me in absolute horror. The video stopped and the room was dead silent. I couldn't look at the others.

Another video started and I watched as I was avoided in the courtyard at school. How after the initial fear went away the other children began to bully me. To call me names. "Murderer." "Killer." "The Devil." How my mother couldn't stand to look at me with out glaring. The final explosion of her anger.

"I can't stand to look at you anymore you murderous tragedy! You're a killer! You're no daughter of mine! I hate you! I wish that I had never given birth to such a scourge on our family. You bring death to all you meet!" I watched my eyes fill with tears as the person I had fought so hard to protect sent me away. I watched as the orphanage came later that day to pick me up. My mother did not say good bye.

I watched the relentless bullying from the other children at the orphanage, my possessions stolen from me and my bed always covered in sand at the end of the day. I slept on the floor most nights. I watched the relentless searches for a family to take me in all turned down when they learned that I had killed a man. I watched as finally the orphanage sent me away, realizing I wasn't worth the expenses when there was no hope of me being adopted. I watched as my mother sent me away to another city with some cash to buy an apartment. I watched as I applied to another school and my secret got out. I watched as the children there used my weakness against me. I watched myself walk home everyday to an empty apartment, my eyes full of tears that I couldn't shed during the day. I watched as all of my worst fears were brought to life in front of my eyes.

The videos stopped and it was silent again. The shadows came out of the walls and flowed to us. It took the form of the man from the post office and I stumbled back terrified. It came closer and grabbed my right arm. It turned to the others.

"I chose her because her darkness was so full of sorrow, of anguish, of pain. So much stronger than any of yours. It fills her entire life. Her shadow itself claws at the ground calling for blood. I could feed off of that for decades."

I screamed in pain as suddenly my arm was covered in a black version of the symbols that had been surrounding the pillars before. They burned themselves onto my arm and branded me. When the pain finally faded I saw that the marks were permanent, a tattoo across my skin.

"The Last Attack Bonus let's call it. A permanent reminder of your darkness, always boiling right below the surface." It laughed maniacally before fading away. The large Congratulations sign popped up over the room after the shadow had vanished and the lights came on. Getting up and onto my feet I slung my bow over my shoulder and made my way to the 53rd floor to open the teleport gate. I didn't wait for the others, to afraid to face them.

The gate wasn't far away and once it was active I teleported to the 22nd floor, ready to go into my room and try to forget all of what had happened. The sun was setting behind the mountains and the shadows stretched long out in front of me. Walking over the wooden planks to the house I swiped my hand through the air in frustration and a wave of black shot from it. I stopped walking. I did the same motion and another wave of black slid off the tips of my fingers and out into the air at a rapid pace. I looked down at my hand as saw it glowing with black energy. The words from before glowing as well. The darkness always below the surface. I slammed my hand forwards and another wave of black exploded outwards. Not boiling below any longer.

I clenched my fist focusing on my anger, my fear from before, my pain and I shot my hand towards the sky. A stream of black energy shot out of my hand and into the air. I screamed in rage. Why was my life the one put on display? Why was I the one forced to make those decisions? Why was I the one forced to be ostracized from every one else? Black energy fired at the ground and suddenly I was standing on a thin black pedestal shooting towards the sky. I poured all of my emotion into it until the pedestal was hundreds of feet above the ground. Why was I a killer? Why was I a disgrace? Why was I the one my mother hated, not the man willing to shoot her? I pulled my bow off my back and waved my hand in the air once again this time forming a solid object, an arrow with wisps of black energy leaking off the arrowhead. I notched it into the bow and pulled the string taut. I aimed at the center of the pedestal and let it loose.

The pedestal shattered into pieces and disintegrated. Suddenly I was tumbling to the ground, feeling the air rush around me as I fell uncontrollably. I was about to lose the only friends I had ever had. I was about to lose the only motivation I had to survive. What was waiting for me when I beat this game? Nothing. Maybe it would be better if I just died. The ground rushed up to meet me and at the last second I fired energy at the ground giving myself a padded landing as I finally hit the wooden walkway again. I panted shakily. I had nothing to live for anymore. Why hadn't I ended it?

I got back to my feet and began the long walk to the house, waving my hand around every so often to try and figure out just what the words printed on my arm allowed me to do. An idea popped into my head and I sat down on the board walk. I closed my eyes and suddenly I could see everything. Anywhere that a shadow existed I could see. I focused my thoughts on the house to see that the others were already there and seemed to be waiting for me. The noise was an echo but I could hear their heartbeats, I could hear their breath. I could hear their footsteps. The shadows were able to see everything.

I opened my eyes and I was back to sitting on the board walk. Did I want to see the others? Did the others want to see me? Even if they didn't, I at least needed to collect my things. Dreading the fact but resigned I got to my feet and began to walk again. Imagining the house I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm my nerves as I took another step. I felt a rush and when I opened my eyes I was standing in front of the house. I looked behind me in shock at the boardwalk which should have taken me another ten minutes at least to walk down.

I turned back to the house and saw Silica in the window along with Klein. They both were staring at me with wide eyes and gaping mouths. I closed my eyes and took a breath again steeling myself for what I was sure they were going to say before opening my eyes again and walking in through the front door. The others looked at me and I couldn't bear to see their faces. My eyes fell to the floor. I couldn't bear for them to call me murderer. Killer. Death. I opened my mouth to... I don't know. Apologize? Make an excuse? Beg them to forgive me? I never found out before Asuna stood up from her place on the couch. I flinched violently, tensing in anticipation for whatever she was about to do. I shut my eyes tightly. I heard footsteps come my way and I waited for a slap, a punch, for the name calling to begin.

"Sinon..." I looked up at her when I heard the sorrow in her voice. She was standing right in front of me with tears dancing in her eyes. Before I could react her arms were wrapping me in a hug. I was in shock, my breathing becoming ragged. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. They were supposed to hate me. They were supposed to abandon me and leave me by myself. They were supposed to hurt me. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I tried to force myself out of her grip. Once I was free I stumbled back panting. Asuna looked at me in worry and looking behind her I could see the others had stood up as well and were looking at me in concern. I turned back to Asuna.

"W-what are you doing? Why are you h-hugging me?" I questioned desperately. Asuna glanced back at the others before turning to me again.

"Because we want you to be okay. We don't want you to suffer alone. We care about you Sinon." I stared at her with wide eyes, mouth gaping. I wasn't sure what to do. No one had ever tried to speak with me once they knew what I had done. They just screamed at me, shoving the worst moment of my life back into my face.

"You...you don't mean that. Just yell at me already, tell me how much I disgust you. Tell me to grab my things and leave. You can't mean that." The others have me pitying looks and Icouldnt understand why.

"Sinon," I swung my head back around to face Asuna, "What are you talking about? We would never do that! And we do mean it. We just want to make sure that you're okay." It was to much. They didn't hate me? When my own mother despised me? They weren't scared? When my entire elementary avoided me for months? They wanted me to be okay? When I was bullied my entire life? I collapsed against the door sliding down to the ground and pulling my knees to my chest. The others shouted in surprise before rushing to me.

"Are you okay?! What's wrong?!" Their voices sounded like they were miles away.

"You don't hate me?" That was the only thought that seemed relevant at the moment. Their voices stopped fretting. They all kneeled down around me and Asuna and Lisbeth sat on either side of me.

"Sinon, we could never hate you, no matter what. Just help us understand. Please?" How are they all being so calm? I am a murderer. I killed someone and none of them are treating me any differently. Tears spilled down my cheeks which soon turned into sobs and suddenly arms were around me, holding me tight. It was comforting and this time I didn't try to fight it as I choked and shook uncontrollably. When was the last time anyone had held me like this, comforted me like this? It was a welcome oddity.

My crying didn't stop till hours afterwards, and once it finally did I was exhausted. The others continued to hold me and comfort me until I could finally form coherent words.

"Thank you." It sounded rough but it was full of sincerity. The others nodded and Lisbeth broke the silence.

"Sinon, that video of the car accident..." Video? Did they not realize they were memories? Did they not understand that it was me in all those videos. No wonder they were so accepting. They didn't understand the full significance.

It made sense though, I thought to myself, they had never seen what I looked like in real life. I hadn't looked in the mirror at the beginning of the game, not trusting anything the creator of the game had said once he explained we were in a death game. I wasn't about to look in my Items bar for a supposed gift from my executioner.

My thoughts were interrupted, "Why was that video there, why were any of those videos there? They were all so violent, so sad. How did they connect to you? Why was that boss going on and on about your darkness?" I couldn't help it. I laughed. I was in a state of shock. After all this time and the others still didn't understand. Irony could be so cruel. Still chuckling I heard a sudden intake of breath from my left. I glanced over to see Asuna looking at me with wide eyes, her hands over her mouth. Her eyes sparkled with fear. She had figured it out.

"You told us that your dad died in a car accident." I lifted my eyes to stare at the ceiling, my head leaning against the door, and a peaceful smile on my face. Now I was going to get what I deserved.

"I did."

"And you grew up in an orphanage after you turned 11?" She asked questioningly.

"I did."

"And your mother isn't dead."

"No, she isn't." Though, some days I wonder if she wants to be.

"Then those videos?"

"Memories." The room was silent and I smiled menacingly to myself. This was it.

"The bullying?" She asked quietly.

"Yes." A pause and then.

"The gun." I began to shake just thinking about it but I forced myself to speak.

"Yes." I hissed between clenched teeth. Now they would hurt me, hate me, abandon me surely.

"You can't have been old enough to remember the car accident." Agil piped up. So they were going to drag this out? Alright.

" I don't remember it all that well but that's how I always imagined it from my mom describing it to me." Agil choked.

"She described it in that much detail?" He looked pale. I chuckled to myself again thinking back to my childhood. My eyes fell to my lap as I spoke, my tone thoughtful.

"It was all she ever talked about. After the accident she wasn't the same. She was forgetful. She couldn't focus. Looking back now I think she was depressed. Honestly, child protective services probably should have been called up a thousand times over. She was always going on and on about dad and that always led to her explaining how he died. She rarely left details out," I took a shaky breath, "I pretty much raised myself, while also looking out for her. Everyone thought she was insane. I had to defend her from everyone. I was so protective of her." I stopped my rambled thoughts. The others looked disturbed to say the least.

"So the bullying?" I nodded.

"They all thought that she was a basket case. I couldn't let them call her that so as I defended her I just became a basket case with her. The bullying just got worse from there. I never told her about it, just focused on doing something that would make her smile for even a minute. That was all I needed from her. I would do all the chores around the house. I would make dinner. I would draw pictures. Anything to make her happy. I just wanted her to get better again."

"So when that man came into the post office?" Kirito asked. I wiped at my eyes, trying to ignore the fact that I felt like crying all over again.

"He had already shot the man behind the counter and then he threatened to shoot my mom. I knew he wasn't playing around. I-I bit his hand and he threw me to the ground but he dropped the gun and I picked it up. I was so scared. He jumped on me and I pulled the trigger. I-It hit him in the chest but he didn't stop attacking me. I...I hit him again and he tried getting back up but, I-I shot him in the head. He finally stopped moving and I looked over at my mom to make sure she was okay." I curled in to myself. "She was terrified of me. She wouldn't look me in the eyes. It hit me then what I had done. I...I had killed someone." The room went silent.

"Your mother... She was still alive but you were sent to an orphanage anyway. Why?"

"Why do you think? She couldn't stand to look at me. I was just a reminder of all her pain. She hated me! You heard what she said to me before I went to the orphanage." I laughed sullenly to myself. "The best part is that I got reports from the people there a few weeks later saying that my mother was staying with my grandparents and doing better than ever. All those years of my trying to help her and the biggest help was for me to leave."

"But, you got away from that. You moved to an entirely different city." I shook my head.

"I didn't move, I was sent away when they realized that no one would adopt me. They sent me back to my mother and she sent me on a plane to the opposite side of the country. And the kids there found out what I had done. It was just as bad as the orphanage. Everywhere I went there was someone waiting to mess with me. They all hated me just as much as my mother." I buried my face in my knees. That was everything. Every part of my life that I had wished to keep hidden was out in the open. I waited to see what the others would do. When I felt arms once again giving me a hug a tried to push them away once again. Didn't they get it? I was a monster.

"Stop right there," I paused in my struggles at Asuna's commanding voice, "You are going to sit still and let me give you a hug. I don't care what anyone else has told you or what you have have done. You deserve to be comforted and I refuse to let you push that away." I stopped moving in fear of what she would do to me if I disobeyed. Her arms tightened around me and I couldn't help sinking into it, laying my head against her shoulder and closing my eyes.

"Sinon we don't hate you, you're our friend. You look out for us and we look out for you. It's part of the deal. I mean," she paused for a moment taking a breath, "You're always protecting us. You even tried to protect Yui even when you were watching the worst moments of your life all over again. Listen, none of us care what you've done in the past because it's not important. What's important is that you know we care about you now." I opened my eyes tiredly to see the others all looking at me with kind smiles. I smiled back hesitantly. Was this hat it felt like to have others looking after me? It was comforting. I would be okay with this if it happened more often. We sat in a comfortable silence until Klein cleared his throat.

"Sinon, not to ruin the moment but...how in the world did you just appear before, outside that is?" Klein asked. I felt Asuna stiffen and couldn't hold back the small whimper that poured past my lips. Of course as soon as I was finally feeling comforted something came up that pushed others away from me. Asuna gently helped me sit up and I say everyone staring at me expectantly. I reached my hand out into the air but paused hesitantly.

"Just, just don't freak out." I pleaded. Their eyes showed their uncertainty but they nodded all the same. With that I slashed my hand through the air and the familiar rush echoed in my ears. In front of me was a black disc floating in the air. The other sucked in a collective breath. I moved my hand to the right then to the left watching as the energy warped itself in both directions. Finally I flicked my wrist and the energy dissipated.

"I think it was the boss's idea of a joke. It said that it was supposed to show how my darkness is always below the surface but...," I touched the symbols tenderly, "It does the exact opposite." I looked at the ground but from the corner of my eye I could see that everyone was surprised. I sunk down under there stares. I didn't want this. Whatever release I had found in my newfound power disappeared. That is, until Klein opened his mouth again.

"What else can you do?!" I looked up in shock. But the others were only excited. Not scared of my new ability. Still unsure I waved my hand again and a river of black trickled off my fingers and dripped to the floor. It pooled into a circle in the middle of us and I experimentally jerked my hand upwards. The energy shot up and formed a solid black staff with wisps of energy leaking off the ends, similar to the arrowhead from before. The others stood up and examined the staff and I followed along. I reached forward to touch it when it suddenly shot into my hand as if it was a magnet. I stumbled back a bit from the force. Agil stepped in wisely.

"Maybe we should go outside." We all nodded and walked out onto the porch, the sun now having set so we turned on some lights and the field near the house lit up. We made our way over to it and I twirled the staff in my hand. It was the perfect weight and balanced evenly on both sides. I swiped it through the air and a burst of energy exploded from the end and into the forest surrounding us. The others stared before grinning.

"That's awesome! Can I try?" Klein asked. I nodded and handed the staff to him. He reached for it but as soon as he tried to touch it the staff dissolved into shadows before reforming once he retracted his hand. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. He tried again with the same outcome. I tossed the staff to him to see if it happened only when I was touching it. He reached to grab it but right as it was about to meet his fingertips the staff folded into itself and imploded, sending a shock wave that pushed us all off our feet. I landed on my back with a solid smack and stared up at the sky dizzily. A menu bar had opened up were the staff had been and I hurriedly got to my feet and moved to read it. The title of the ability only showed a large "?" where the name should have been. The description was just about as unhelpful as the name. It read:

Complete control over shadows and darkness. Anything that a shadow has the power to do is transferred to the user. Includes shadow jumping and far-sight. Power of ability based on the imagination of the user. Warning, only user has the ability to manipulate shadows.

After I finished reading its description and the others had taken a glance, it disappeared with a soft pop.

"Well darn! That means that I can't do anything with it." Klein sighed and everyone giggled a bit. "Sinon, anything else can you do?" I nodded.

"I kind of threw a temper tantrum before I came to the house and that's when I figured all of this out," I motioned to my arm, "Watch." I pointed my hand at the ground and with little warning, went skyrocketing into the air. I flipped through the sky and screamed at the thrill of it. It was amazing to free fall, feeling the wind whip at my clothes and skin. I arched through the sky before I began to fall. As I plummeted I reached my hands towards the ground and a wave of energy came up to catch me. I fell into it and righted myself within it before dropping to my feet on the ground. I let the the wave drop down from around me. My friends were looking at me with jaws dropped and I shuffled uncomfortably. Maybe that was a bit much. Lisbeth stepped forwards.

"That trick that you did earlier with the staff, you wouldn't happen to be able to do that with other weapons by chance, would you?" Oh no. She was going to kill me. She glared at me and I hesitantly moved my arm through the air. When I brought my arm fully down a black arrow fell into my hand. She stared at it. And stared at it, and stared some more. I began to sweat, worried that I had broken her somehow. "Does that mean..." I nodded tensely waiting for the explosion.

"Give me your bow right now! And your dagger! How dare you not be my customer anymore!" She continued to shout as I hastily took all of my weapons out of my Menu and let them drop to the ground between us. I picked my bow up and moved to pick up my dagger when suddenly the symbols on my arm began to glow and my bow and dagger were suddenly encased in shadows. The energy whirled around them and when it dissipated I was surprised to see that the shadows had forged themselves with my weapons, black energy now crawling along them lazily. Lisbeth stared in shock and I decided to tease her by disappearing and reappearing right next to her in seemingly the same moment.

"Still disappointed, because I think this looks really cool." She sputtered and slapped the back of my head, ranting about scaring people, consumerism and the balance of the economy. The others only laughed and she turned on them in her anger continuing her tirade. I straightened myself out and looked down at my weapons before putting them back in the Menu. I paused and stared at my arm and the symbols printed there. Of course I would always have darkness in me but, I glanced at my friends, as long as I had these guys standing by me I would be okay.


End file.
